Esperance

As of late, I’ve been really missing my cats. No, they’re not somewhere else. They’re quite dead. I had my traditional childhood cat (Michelle) that I got when I was 7, and another (Michelle) a few years later. Whiskers got old (like 13) and hurt herself irreperably. After she died, Michelle faded away and died quite literally from grief (she stopped eating!). And inbetween these deaths (probably contributing to Michelle’s issues), the vet gave my dog the wrong anesthetic and killed him.

But I suppose that’s not really the point. The point is that I really really miss Whiskers. I miss Michelle, too, how she’d lick my fingers but I miss one particular thing about Whiskers: her meow.

You see, Whiskers was part Siamese. We got her at a pound with no information but there was no denying it. She had the siamese body, the eyes, the head, and… the meow. If you don’t know what a Siamese meow sounds like this. This was the horrendus noise that came from Whiskers that I miss so much. You would say something and she’d reply. And if you didn’t reply back, she’d meow again very angrily for you to answer. You’d have to keep talking to her. And she’d mimic your tone. This talking is just what siamese cats do.

And thus, I’ve decided that I want a siamese cat.

As soon as I settle down, I want a siamese cat. My plans for England make this a long, long way into the future… if I go to England, that’s nearly 4 years away at minimum. But I miss that meow so much. I miss having a cat lay by my head when I’m laying down with a headache and telling me that I’ve had too much work and now it’s time to play. I just want a cat again.

I really think that living in a dorm with no pets is unhealthy psychologically.

I was unable to attend the event Mr. Republican and I were supposed to go to, and as the class we share also has ended, it seems that we are not to see each other again. Life is just a series of rooms and the people you’re stuck with in them, isn’t it?

Ah well! Who next?

I did not know people read this.

There’s a boy in my critical theory class that is cute, and I’ve thought this the whole class long but I’m not one to fawn over someone for simply being cute. But he seems ho be showing interest in me. He’s a pre-med major and supported Ron Paul (though then McCain, though at least he’s not socialist).

This all just sounded very Jane Austen, and add that to my constant fainting and I think I have a best seller.

Well, if I’d get in the habit of writing more. Since the last post, obviously, I haven’t died. But I got the dramatic beast out of my life, clinging tendril by tendril.

So, now I am off to a slumber party with my sorority sisters to discuss more about this… man. I don’t want to post too much here, lest he find it, and, well, I don’t even know him that well. I’m pretty sure we haven’t even had a conversation: not even one! Tomorrow, it looks like we’re going to the same event on campus so let’s see if I hit it off with Mr. Capitalist.

Things with Ryan have been unfortunate. There had been a day and night change since my horrible migraine. I guess he just didn’t know how to deal with it. But he really was a completely different person. Where as he had been treating me like a princess, now he was avoiding me, or saying snarky, short sentences in txts or leaving song lyrics on Facebook about girls that are horrible people. Just generally mean things. And when I ask him about it, he would act like I’m either full of myself because none of that is about me, or that I’m crazy and seeing situations that aren’t there, or that I’m being overly emotional and overreacting.

But I’m not. I’m just fine. I’m livin’ life like normal and Ryan’s being crazy emo.

Last night, I told him, in a txt since he wont hear my voice in person or on the phone, that if he wont treat me like he wants to be with me, then I’ll turn my attentions to the men who do treat me like that. And that’s the last thing that was said.

Until like 1 something in the morning (which I saw at 7 something when I woke up), when he posted a full song on my Facebook. The song is Seaward by The Acacia Strain and it talks about murdering a lady.

So I wake up and I’m terrified. If this was old Ryan doing this I would just think he’s trying to show me a good song. But no, this is creepy Ryan who has been doing every thing in his power to frighten me and it hasn’t been working. But this has. Is it just to frighten me though, or is he for real? I haven’t really spoken to him, so I don’t really don’t what his mental state is right now. I know it’s “off” but not by how much.

Anyway, I am very scared. I don’t know what to do about it cause I don’t want to hurt his life’s progression.

I just keep crying. Things were going so well.

EDIT: Shit, I just got this message that he wants to talk to me in person.

I left Ryan on Thursday. I was told this by other people. Asking me why, how was I doing. Or simply saying, “I heard.” Funny, I didn’t hear as fast as they did. Funny how I wasn’t the first to know, it being me that apparently did the dumping.

I get migraines that make me suseptable to anything people say. “Aren’t you sad?” will make me burst out into hysterics. “Are you suicidal?” will cause me to be. It’s happened, poor driver. It isn’t always bad. If people start laughing around me, I’ll start laughing too, and they tell me I never know what we’re laughing about. I’m guessing that’s what happened. It might have even been Ryan that made me think it and I ran too far. I don’t know. I wasn’t there. Also, the migraines can make me very emotional over stupid, stupid things. Maybe I flipped out and started screaming over something. I wish I knew.

But he’s happier without me. Isn’t that sick? I didn’t mean to. I don’t want to… and he’s happy as a fucking flower. He wont even talk to me about it. Keeps his distance.

He said he’s protect me and keep me safe. What, did he think we still had Jack the Ripper running around? No, today a man needs to protect me from words. He didn’t and they ruined us. And now he’s using words to hurt me.

My migraine lasted, it looks like Tue/Wed through Friday. I’ll have to visit the neurologist to see what can be done. Do I need to move back home like was discussed earlier? If I ever move out, will I need a caretaker?

More trying on my nerves, will I ever be able to keep a relationship like this? I mean, who would want me when I randomly say things I don’t mean and say it so convincingly? Will I ever be able to keep a job when I can’t remember the previous day, the previous meeting? My life’s future is looking very grim and worthless. So why live it?

With the end of the summer semester comes the free time to do all the things I’ve been meaning to get to for a while now. You probably don’t know this, but I love crafts. Crafty people rarely make anything of actual usefulness, but pretty looking things. This goes against what is my nature 90% of the time, so it’s a nice break from life. After being ultra-practical since, say, January… I’m going to produce something of no meaning or purpose at all. And I’m going to enjoy it.

Yesterday, I scrapbooked for two and a half hours. I finished two books. Whoa. I need to keep up to date on that. I also ordered some pictures to scrapbook even more.

Today, I’m finally making my sorority “paddle” for my twin sister. It’s not actually a paddle, but a cresent (no hazing!), and is not as cute as I envisioned it coming along… Unfortunately, I’m putting this together at work, so I can’t really throw on some last minute supplies. I’ve only got to work with what I brought.

Garfield Minus Garfield

No no no no no! Don’t like this guy. Don’t go into stupid dopey mode. This is very, very, bad. This is very “mayday.” I need a dose of sanity, please? Someone? Anyone?